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My dreams
                                           turned
To ash between your
                                           fingers
Used to hold mine
                                           steady
When i was falling
                                           apart
From time spent with
                                            you
Could never catch my
                                            tears
Fell when you  
                                            broke
Everything i knew
                                            ceased
When your heart stopped
                                            beating.    
                         

                    
random but i felt like it
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:icon04belgarion2k7:
04belgarion2k7 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I like how the words on the right can fit with both the sentences before and after...really well done :D
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2011
thank you :)
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:iconshadowdemon2010:
Shadowdemon2010 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
so sad :'( but very good.
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010
Thank you :)
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:iconshadowdemon2010:
Shadowdemon2010 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010
your welcome!
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:iconrockedbyreality:
RockedByReality Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love the format :D
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010
Thank you!
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:iconsaachasm:
saachasm Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2010
The format is very interesting, although I found it to be a little unecessary here because the words you use between sentences didn't really link well enough. I think if they linked in a more gramatically correct way, it would work like a dream!
I loved the new take on concrete poetry though, and the language used it excellent :D
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2010
thank you :)
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:iconthepricetopay:
ThePriceToPay Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010   Writer
I loved this! The format is brilliant, the way each word on the right both starts and ends each sentence? I've never seen this format before, but I love it!
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
thanks :) it somehow just happened on the spot
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:iconthepricetopay:
ThePriceToPay Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010   Writer
the best ideas happen randomly. xD
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
yeah i accidently wrote this title and i wanted to write a poem that sorta fit it XD
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:iconthepricetopay:
ThePriceToPay Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010   Writer
awesome. xD I wonder how many poems/songs/stories have been modeled after good titles...?
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
interesting thing to ponder :)
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:icon666vampirelestat:
666vampirelestat Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2010
no offense...but i don't like the format because at parts it sounded like it didn't make sense, it was grammatically confusing and didn't always make sense when i was reading it, like " from time spent with you, could never catch my tears". You might want to put "I could never catch my tears", I do realize it's a poem and sometimes incomplete sentences add to the effect, but in this case it was a bit confusing. other than that, i liked the overall message and it's a great start :)
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
thanks for the feedback :)

the way i was trying to do is that each of the words on the right starts the next sentence.
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:icon666vampirelestat:
666vampirelestat Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
I sort of noticed you trying to do that at parts...so gold stars for you. you're part of the way there. but there's always room for a little improvement.
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2010
always :D
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:iconsindakri:
Sindakri Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Love this. The breathless and fleeting feel come out solid. It isn't lost in the formatting. I had to read it more than once because I enjoyed it quite a bit. I would imagine that the style and formatting would make it difficult for amateur poetry readers but at the same time, I'm sure another read would explain the flow.

I particularly enjoyed how the lines flowed together to create a continuous idea. Each line cannot be complete without the other. The dependence is astonishing and you should be very proud of this. Seriously an amazing piece.
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:iconsilvertitan93:
silvertitan93 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
love the way its set out! the content is amazing too!
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
thanks so much! :)
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:iconbunny--was--here:
Bunny--was--here Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2010
hmmm i dont like then format all that much.... but the content is great!
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:iconfirmasrock:
FirmAsRock Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2010
The format works very well.
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:iconmadwise96:
Madwise96 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
thank you!
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:iconfirmasrock:
FirmAsRock Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2010
Welcome. :D
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